Beauty that arose out of pain

2 years, 22 days hic et nunc

Is it summer already? I guess the official mark of the beginning of summer is Memorial Day. But the weather in New York City has been absolutely absurd. It’s hot to the point of suffocation. The humidity makes it 10 times worse. And to add the to the already horrible weather, it pours rain every so often. It really sucks. And it makes it difficult to dress for work or even just to go out. My summer wardrobe now consists of only work clothes and sundresses. Who the hell wants to wear jeans in this weather? I feel sorry for guys. Anyway, besides the crap weather life has been… repetitive, in a good way. I’ve been keeping myself busy with work and attempting to “work out.” Although I get bored easily, I’m happy as a clam. 

Sometimes I’m scared to admit how happy I am. If I admit it, I get this sense that something bad will happen to balance out my life. So, I tend to keep my happiness to myself. But, once in a while, I would like to take the time to appreciate how great everything has been. I’m so very fortunate with everything I have. My job. My living situation. My friends. My family. Being in New York. I always find myself asking how the hell did I get all this? Do I deserve it? I’m not sure. Did I work hard? Did I sacrifice? Did I actually do anything special at all? It’s hard to judge this. I have a great life. And I just hate to boast about it cause honestly, I’m so afraid that all of it can be taken away so easily. But, I shouldn’t think like that. I should absorb all I can for the time being. Live in the moment. Here and now. And if I hit a shitty roadblock in the future, I can at least look back and say that I had it all so great at one point and I will eventually have it again. So… is it true that all good things must come to an end? I seriously hope not. But, I wouldn’t be surprised. 

I started my internship at Four Seasons just this past week. It was exciting. I’ve only worked for three days, but so far so good. I really do love it. There isn’t much I can say to describe how great my job is. I just hope it gets be far in my career path. I could really see myself working at Four Seasons - corporate that is - once I graduate. Four Seasons Headquarters is in Toronto and the thought of me moving there gets me super excited. I’m getting ahead of myself, but…. It’s another dream, right? I tend to dream big. So… I’m going to work as hard I can to reach that dream. That’s just how I’m programed to live my life. 

I’m planning to make my way to California during the last week of August. My cousin’s wedding is on the first of September and I start my final year at NYU on September 4th. How convenient! I think I need a brief vacation before I dive into the Fall semester. I’m planning to work on top of taking a full class load. I hope my grades don’t suffer… I’m quite upset with my grades this past Spring semester… I was only .03 from an A-. Damn population ethics. Oh well… I guess I did decently. I can’t complain. This past semester’s classes were… Let’s just say that my tuition money didn’t go to good use. Oh well. I’m just looking forward to getting my degree. Gosh, graduation is so close and as much as I want it to be time already, I think I need the year to grow up a bit more. No need to rush into the “real world” just yet. 

I’m bright lights and cityscapes
She’s white lies that care for gates
And she’ll take all you ever have
But I’m gonna love you
You say maybe it will last this time
But I’m gonna love you
You never have to ask
I’m gonna love you
‘Till you start looking back
I’m gonna love you
I wouldn’t need a second chance

-katiebaby

And we meet in the middle, on our way back down to earth

It’s raining again. And you know that I think of you when it’s pouring nonstop for the whole day. It’s nice to shut off the music, turn off the lights and listen to the rain. It just reminds me of you. A peaceful feeling overcomes me like you’re warming my heart. It’s weird. I don’t know why this happens on such a gloomy day, but it does. And this made me realized something about myself, about you, about us. Just the simple thought of you - a reminder - can instantly change a gloomy day and give me a sense of comfort. Funny how I can so easily look for the good in the darkest of times. I wasn’t able to do that before. God, things really did change. 

I won’t be back home for your second anniversary. To be honest, last year I wasn’t home either and it tore me apart. I was angry. Consumed by agony. Alone. Seeking some sort of answer to why you were gone. Blaming myself for running from memories of you. This year, things seem to be different. Not because I love you less or miss you less. It’s all the same. The yearning to have you in my life again never fades. The heartache from missing you everyday doesn’t disappear. And memories are still secured in my mind, replaying every time I force them to. But, I don’t regret not being home this July. I’m not trying to hide or attempt to forget. I just think that it’s a gift that I’m away. A savior of some sort that I’m going to be missing you from afar. Because honestly. I couldn’t have done it. The pain would have been too much. If I were to come home for the summer, to be there for your second anniversary, I would have broken down. The last summer I spent in California two years ago was with you. We only made it halfway together before the accident, but that summer was the last moments I had with you. And it just wouldn’t be right if I spent another summer home without you by my side. It was like I was meant to stay where I am, and not return. 

You know, I write and write and write, hoping that if I pour enough words out of me the emotional burden will be lifted. Never seems to work with you. I can write all I want about all the other things in my life and I always heal. But with you. Writing never makes it easier. I don’t miss you less. I don’t feel any less pain. All I do is translate only an ounce of what I’m really feeling. No matter how many words I write, nothing ever changes with you. And it sucks, James. It sucks so bad because writing is the only way I stay sane. It’s the only therapy that gets me through life. So, how the hell do I cope with all these emotions I have for you when I can never exhaust them? I guess this is normal. It’s the way it should be, right? Because everything else seems to be fixable. But when it comes down to losing you, the void in my heart can never be filled no matter how much time passes. It’s something I just have to live with. 

I turned 21 just last weekend. It was weird not having you in my life at this monumental time. It kills me to know that you barely lived at all and that pain makes me live so much harder for you. I try my best to live at my fullest potential. To achieve my goals. To push myself harder because you expected so much more from me. The hardest thing about you being gone is going through moments in my life that you would be missing. Moments that you were supposed to be present for. That’s what hurts the most, James. That’s what makes me break down. Thinking about how I’m almost to the finish line, almost to reaching one of my biggest dreams that you helped me create… without you. It hurts. It literally crumbles my heart that you’re not going to be here whenI get everything I ever wished for, strived for, worked so hard for. How is it possible that life has changed so much in only two years? I will never understand. 

All I can hope for is that you’re with me every step of the way. And as I enter the home stretch, I’ll be thinking of you to pull me through. You never gave up on me, even during my most psychotic episodes. So, I have no excuse to ever give up on myself. I’m going to finish for you, James, because I wouldn’t have made it this far without my thoughts and memories of you. 

I never thought it’d be easy, cause we’re both so distant now

And the walls are closing in on us, and we’re wondering how?

No one has a solid answer, but just walking in the dark

And you can see the look on my face

It just tears me apart

So we fight through the hurt

It’s up to you

It’s up to me

I’m going to stay right here and cause all kinds of trouble.

2 years, 13 days and I’m on cloud 9.

The waiting is finally over. I woke up this morning immersed in sunlight and overwhelmed with this wonderful feeling of bliss. I’m not sure what triggered it. It was a normal morning, nothing special planned for the day. I just had a feeling that I should be grateful for the life I have, so I took a few minutes to appreciate every aspect of my life before starting the day. The past week was very… uneventful. It mostly consisted of waiting, and waiting, and waiting. But I am happy to say that the waiting is over. After kicking ass on my second interview this past Wednesday for a Four Seasons internship, I heard back today. It makes me jump out of skin to say that I got the internship and I’m staying in New York for the summer. Weird how plans can drastically change. Just a month ago, I was frustrated that I couldn’t find an internship and I just wanted to go home for the summer. Now, everything fell into place. This is just another one of those times that reassures me to never plan and just live life. 

Everything was just so unexpected. Life is unexpected. And no matter how many times that phrase is used over and over again, it’s true. Cliches are cliches for a reason. “Time heals broken hearts.” “Life is unexpected.” “Karma will bite you in the ass.” “Everything happens for a reason.” All of them a true. It’s just so hard for me to accept the life I have. I don’t understand how fortunate I’ve been. I don’t know how I have gotten this far. I look at everything around me and it still feels like a dream. But, it’s really my life. All of this. It’s mine and it’s happening to me. I feel like I’m not doing enough to show how grateful I am or how appreciative I am for all that I have. Do I really deserve all of this? Did I really work hard for all of it? Did I really just reach my dream? It’s so surreal. I don’t know how to react. All I feel is…. pure joy, happiness, excitement, and comfort. Pinch me, please. 

Although I’m very happy with this great new journey of mine. It’s all so bittersweet. The yearning for me to want to go back to California grew. I planned for it months ago. I told family. I told friends. But, now, just like that, it’s all taken away. It’s good right? That I have this great opportunity and I can’t just pass on it. Literally, people would kill me if I didn’t take advantage of this internship. I can’t help but be bummed that I won’t be able to spend my last summer in California. Relaxing. Soaking up some sun. Doing absolutely nothing. Then again, I had nothing to this week and I almost went crazy. So, keeping busy is the answer. This internship is my calling. So… Why am I so sad that I won’t be returning to California? That’s the thing. When I talk about California, I still reference it as “going back” or “returning” or “going home.” I think I’ve hit the point where I realize California isn’t that anymore. It’s not somewhere I’m supposed to return to or go back to, it’s a place that I visit. I’m a visitor. And the sooner I accept that, the easier it would be to spend more time away from California. 

It truly breaks my heart to not be there for my best friend needs me the most. How does this work? Friendship that is separated by 3,000 miles. I’ve missed the most horrible moments of her life, and I really kills me inside. I have the responsibility to be in New York. Live my life here. Set my priorities. Achieve goals and dreams. But how can it all be okay for me to do that when my best friend needs me and I’m not there? How is it okay to not be the one who holds her hand while she pushes through the pain, agony, frustration, and anger? It’s not okay. And it tears me apart. It makes it very hard for me to be happy in New York. Knowing that I have someone left behind in my life back in California that still deeply love and care about. It’s hard not to jump on a plane and rush back for her. It’s times like these that makes me regret the decision I made four years ago. I chose this life, and this is another selfish, agonizing sacrifice I have to live with. 

I think I’ll be brave
Starting with you
But I’ll fall away if you tell me to
I’d rather be wrong
Than hope that I’m right
‘Cause I can’t go on with this all inside

-Katie

To the one I owe my life to

I used to say that I wanted to move to New York because I wanted to get away from my parents. That I hated my life in California. But, that wasn’t true. And I was too stubborn to admit that I missed my family deeply. The homesickness never got better, and I found myself still drawn to home. I wanted to conquer too much. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be more than I could ever be. I expected a lot from myself. I desired independence. I fought for what I wanted to achieve. And I realized, only recently, that I gained all these characteristics from my mom. The woman who gave me life and passed on the strength to get to where I am today. 

I could really get angry at her sometimes. Most of the time I’m just straight embarrassed of her. I would find myself yelling at her, complaining about her, ignoring her, and simply disobeying her. I wasn’t always like that. But somewhere along the way of growing up, I surpassed the feeling of having her approve of anything I did. That was wrong of me. Wrong that I could ever think that I didn’t need my mom. It didn’t take long before I realized how I was a brat and somewhat of an idiot.

The shining moment of motherhood was when I was 18 and going through one of my fits. Dad just spotted a newly inked tattoo on my back and kicked me out of the house. As I was angrily packing my things, telling myself I didn’t need to stay home and that New York was only a few months away, my mom came into my room in tears. My mom never cries. And when I say never, I really mean that in the 18 years I lived at that moment I never witnessed her cry. So there she was, sitting on my bed and watching me throw my clothes into suitcases. She begged me to stop, but I kept screaming that I hated home, that I didn’t need dad or her, that I was going to move to New York and never come back. When the fear and sadness struck her eyes I knew that my words pierced her heart. I sat in front of her as she took my hand and said that I would always be the baby of the family. The one that is spoiled, bratty, stubborn, and has the worse attitude. And she told me that even though I was the baby, she expected the most from me and that she loved me no matter what I did. And somehow she knew that all the fits and rebellions meant nothing, and I was going to be okay and succeed at whatever I strived for. And because she knew, it had to be true. She’s my mom after all. 

My mom sacrificed the first half of her life for me and my sisters. And when we were finally able to take care of ourselves, she went off and conquered her own dream. I am so proud of everything my mom has accomplished. In my dictionary, she is listed under “supermom.” Maybe it’s because I’m older or more mature, but whatever it is, I appreciate my mom a whole lot more now. I understand why I had to do my own laundry when I was 10, go grocery shopping at 16, and cook my own dinners at 17. She knew that I could take care of myself, knew that I didn’t need her and if I did, I wouldn’t be afraid to ask. So all the embarrassing things, and the annoying habits she has, I overlook it all. Because she’s the mom who cracks jokes, who isn’t scared to speak her mind, and whose independence I strive for. 

So, to my dearest mother who I love with the greatest devotion and appreciate, happy mother’s day. 

Losing what I never found

2 years, 9 days and I’m another year wiser.

Days are going by slower than usual. Probably because I’m no longer going to classes and I’m out of a job. Boredom is slowly setting in, and I’m about to go insane. All I can really do is just wait. And those who know me well, know that I can’t stay still for this long. I’m always in constant motion. But here I am, standing still. Waiting. Hoping. Expecting something big is going to happen. I’m getting impatient. But I’m holding my own… for now anyway. I don’t know how much longer I can be like this. I ask myself if it’s really worth it. Honestly. I have nothing else planned. I have nothing better to do with my time. So why not waste time here in the city… where I’m home… right?

I just celebrated my 21st birthday this past weekend. It was an odd feeling. No one ever feels one year older. You can’t feel yourself getting old. But you can feel yourself getting more mature. So, I would like to say that I got a lot wiser. Which is good, because I was quite immature a year ago. Here I was, celebrating the big 2 1 and I was…. savoring it. Absorbing each minute of it. Allowing it to linger and resonate with me for a long time. You only turn 21 once. Then again, you always turn a certain age once. But, it was different this time. I felt something. Not me getting older, but the feeling that I’m…. better. That I’m fulfilled. Although I just turned 21, I feel like I’ve been this old for the past few years. I grew up too fast. I tried to conquer so much at such a young age. When the hell did interviews, internships, and resumes ever start to matter? When did the stress swallow me whole without me ever noticing? When the hell did I choose work, dedication, and school over my social life and relaxing every once in while? I feel like it’s been nonstop for the past three years. Life pouding at me constantly, only allowing me to breath every once in while. Now, I’m 21. I feel my age. And… I can breathe. 

Just recently, I took a moment to step back and look at my life. Took a few minutes just to admire it from every angle. I don’t know if it was because it was my birthday, or I finally got the time to do it. But, I did and I discovered something that made me gasp. Although I have another year to go, I feel comfortable saying that I did it. I reached my dream. The dream that I had when I was 17 and hoping for something more than my life back in California. I fulfilled my dream of getting into NYU, moving to New York, conquering everything on my own, finding independence, gaining confidence, and most of all creating a life in New York. A new life. A better life. A new home. I did that. I did it and god it feels so damn good. It wasn’t easy. I sacrificed a lot. And there were many moments where I wanted to give up and go running home. But I didn’t. I stayed, I cried, I screamed, and I kept going. So, here I am. The last stretch until I start striving for another dream of mine. And to my surprise, I’m not scared, but so very excited. 

It took me three years, but I finally realized that I can no longer live this double life. The duality is eating me alive. I thought I could do it. I thought I could somehow live both lives. Somehow combine them and create one beautiful, fulfilling one. But I was wrong. And for the past three years, I’ve been weighed down. I started to learn my lesson a little over a year ago. I cut away some of the weight. And I slowly started to realize that, without me even knowing, some of the weight just disappeared. I unwillingly started to let go of a life that I was trying so hard to hold on to. I didn’t want to let it go. I was scared. Scared that if I lost whatever was left back in California, I wouldn’t be able to survive just off the life I created in New York. That one life, just wasn’t enough. But, I can. I can survive with what I have here. And I need to stop wasting energy on trying to keep what is meant to fade away. San Jose will always be where my family is, and family is where home will be. But for me, my life is in New York and nowhere else. So, I’m collecting the pieces of my heart and moving along. All I can hope for is not to lose any of the pieces and resist shedding unnecessary tears.

I’ve said it many times, or it feels like I have. I hope that I expressed it enough. But, I can say it a thousand times more. I am truly and immensely grateful for each and everyone of my friends. And it’s just not because they know how to show a girl a good time on her 21st birthday, but it’s because they are my rock, my anchor, and my foundation. They are what makes my life in New York livable. I’m able to call this place home because of them. The most important thing I learned about friendship when I first moved to New York was how it can blossom from anywhere and it will grow so rapidly that it still surprises me to this day how strong my ties are to them. We somehow found each other out of the thousands of people who attend NYU and built a bond that I will forever keep in my heart. Although we only have a year left before we all disperse our separate ways, there is no doubt that I will see them once again. And whenever I find myself looking over the past years, my memories in New York - my life in New York - will always be connected to them. I couldn’t have asked for any better friends, because I absolutely have the best.

I’m not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

katiebaby 

But even the sun sets in paradise

2 years, 4 days and the exhaustion makes me want to run.

It’s been a crazy past two weeks. Every time I attempted to blog, I was distracted by something. Whether it was a paper, test, or presentation, I never got any alone time. Then my mom and sister came and they absorbed all my time. Which was fine, because I was happy they were here. I missed the comfort of family dearly. The three and half days that they were here felt like a week. I, a New Yorker, even got tired from showing them everything. I gained many pounds from eating so much delicious foods. I’m sad that I had to see them go. It’s never easy to say good bye to family, even if it’s not for forever. Worse of all, I was saying bye without knowing when will be the next time I see them. It was a horrible feeling. After hailing them a cab, I went back into my empty apartment and felt loneliness overcome me. I should be used to it by now, but obviously, it never gets “normal.” Honestly, if I were able to live half my life in California and half in New York, it would be a dream come true. But, nothing is perfect in this world we live in. 

I’m not quite finished with my Junior year yet. I have two more papers to write and a presentation. I’m planning to be done by Friday. That’s when Summer really starts. Spending that night with my best friend. Saturday is dedicated to celebrating my birthday and getting things in order. This weekend will be when I finally get to plan the next three months. I’ve been driving myself insane not having a plan. I’ve been so stressed on top of finals. I’m wiped out. I need some alone time. I need time to shut my brain off. Nonstop. My body is running out of fuel. The more I want to go home, the more I grow impatient. I’m very tempted to blow off all this waiting and head home. I have this feeling of not caring anymore. Is it wrong if I just want to do nothing? The question is, would it make me happy if I did nothing? Would I let myself?

Do you ever realize what is happening? How seriously bad things are getting? Are you so blind that you don’t see how people are disappearing around you? How is it okay? How do you think it is okay to act the way you do? It is curious to me. When you think about what you’re about to say, do you ever ponder if it is at all appropriate? Because it seems as though you don’t think at all. If you really thought about the comments you are making, you would realize that you are a horrible person. A degrading, fake person. And I just can’t associate myself with someone like that. I can’t see how anyone else around you could handle it. It’s a real mystery. I just want you to know how difficult it is for me to say nothing. To not tell you to your face how you’re a two-faced, self-centered, spoiled, selfish, shady, you-think-you-know-it-all, bitch. Cause, as a genuine person who doesn’t like to be fake, I would. The only thing stopping me is my ability not to care. I have no feelings whatsoever. I’m not affected by your personality. And it’s sad, because if I were a real friend, I would care. I would care so much that I would talk to you. But, really, I just don’t. I try my best to be as real as possible. I don’t pass judgement on people because of rumors I hear or what people say. I only judge people on what they do to me, what they say to me, how they act with me. But with you… It’s different. I can no longer ignore what is happening. I can no longer look away from how you treat people. So, I sincerely hope that you have someone to tell you how bad you’re fucking up before you’re left with no one around you. 

What am I going to do with you? I keep telling myself that I’m feeling these sorts of emotions because I enjoy being in a relationship with someone I trust, love, and can count on. I make up excuses to why butterflies erupt in my stomach when I talk to you. I ignore the fact my heart skips a beat when you say something that makes me smile. But, honestly. I’m so confused. I don’t know what is happening. I rule it out as me just liking the attention. All girls do right? So… Why can’t I just move on? Why can’t these feelings just go away? Why am I so scared to question and ponder over why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling? Is it because if I took the time to, I would fall into a hole that I can’t pick myself up from? I said many times that I’ve lost too many people in my life already, so why set myself up for another loss? I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to recover form another heartbreak. So… what do I do? Sacrifice it all or ignore the gut wrenching feeling?

I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

Katie

Me: I’m more worried about my paper than presentation….

Best Friend: B material? 

Me: No, more like C material… *sigh

Best Friend: Don’t say that!

5 minutes pass

Best Friend: I’m looking up optimistic quotes for you! 

Me: *LOL

She knows what to say to make my stress go away.