hic et nunc

2 years, 11 months, 1 week Don’t fall into the trap of what’s normal. Gain the confidence to make mistakes, get knocked down, and feel discouraged. Pave your own way and take responsibility for what comes.Then promise yourself to never regret the choices you made along the way. 

What is this feeling of overwhelming joy? Oh, it must be the fact that I’m done with school, graduation is in a week, family is coming this weekend, and it’s my birthday. Why not be in a good mood? Ha. I”m overjoyed. Seriously. 

Life plays its tricks. I keep saying that nothing will ever surprise me because the universe tends to fuck with my life every now and then. Who am I to complain? Something has to keep my life interesting. Anyway… I’m in a better place now, especially since I’ve been focusing on the brighter things in my life. But, fate dislikes the fact that I’m not paying attention to the stressful things. Like… where the hell am I going to live two months from now. Where am I going to work? How am I going to pay my bills? Well, I’m sorry I’m not putting much thought into any of these things because honestly… I find it more important to stay happy. 

Another year wiser? Is that the cliche? Well, sure, I’m another year wiser. Older. More mature. Happier? Possibly. 22nd Birthday seems so… insignificant. I find myself reflecting more and more on the past 4 years. Well duh, I’m graduating. But because it’s my birthday as well I feel as though I’ve come a long way - career and personal wise. Scary thing is that the safety net hanging below me is about to be ripped out and replaced with hard cement. My birthday present to myself? Keep looking ahead and not beneath me. 

I have so much happening in the next few weeks. Super excited, but also nervous. That’s normal right? I just have to focus on what’s important in life. Friends. Family. And loving me for me. 

I don’t know where you’re going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don’t know where I’m going but I don’t think I’m coming home
And I said I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead
This is the road to ruin
And we’re starting at the end

katiebaby

2 years, 10 months, 20 days I set all my regrets on fire cause I know I’ll never take the time to unpack my missteps.

I have yet to blog in about a month. Oops. I suppose I’ve lost my need to splatter my issues on a public forum…  But then again… I still find myself back in the same place, trying to make sense of my scrambled thoughts. Always better to see my craziness in words.

I’ve been isolating myself lately. Mainly because I’m having trouble breathing. Everything has been suffocating me these past few weeks. I took a second to really evaluate the cause of my unhappiness. I kept telling myself that it’s okay I’m not happy, as long as I’m not depressed. Depression doesn’t seem that far down the path I’m on. I decided I needed to change my priorities. Shift my focus. Become passionate again. Find excitement. Be scared (the good kind). So… what did I do? Give up on the unknown. 

Why be upset over things you never really had? Just because you were close? Just because you felt as thought you deserved it? Ha. Harsh reality, you don’t really deserve anything. I found this out the hard way. Just because I’m graduating from NYU, doesn’t mean I can snap my fingers and have a job. Just because I have internship experience, doesn’t mean I can do what I truly really want. The reality is, nothing is ever that easy - especially when it’s something huge. And a job, is pretty damn giant. 

What do I want? What is my ideal first job? Sad to say, after four years of busting my ass with school and internships.. I still don’t know. I would go on job interviews and lie. Lie that I’m passionate about whatever industry. Lie about my interests in learning whatever skill. Lie about how I really want the position. Cause honest to God, I just wanted a fucking job. I mean… who hasn’t reached that point? So… I decided to just stop. Stop pretending and lying. It’s time to take some control and actually be happy.

So instead of scouring the internet for jobs and applying to 10 crap positions every day. I just stopped. Stopped with the resume editing, cover letter drafts, networking, freaking out, blah blah blah. I’m done. Well, for now anyway. I spent the past four years going to school and working and studying and stressing and worrying and putting myself through hell. I need a break. Not just some spring break or winter break where I would have to worry about starting another semester. I want a life-changing, life-experience break. Yeah, I’m a wishful thinker like that.

Anyhow, I’m planning a crazy trip where I hit 5 states and 8 different cities all within 2 weeks. Crazy? Well, yeah, but it’s exciting. It’s thrilling. It’s scary. It’s amazing. And it’s the one thing that is keeping me sane at the moment. I’m able to breathe. I’m able to concentrate on finishing the semester. I’m able to watch the trees bloom beautiful buds. I’m able to appreciate the tulips and daffodils. I am able to embrace the fact that I’m graduating in a month. I am able to see my friends and form everlasting relationships. I was stuck in that chaotic haze of finding a job and stressing for too damn long. 

I’ve let go. I’m still scared shitless, but it’s the type of fear that excites me.  

I need more dreams
And less life
And I need that dark
In a little more light

katiebaby

2 years, 9 months, 26 days waiting for the sight of the sun

I often spend my spare time writing. Whether it’s personal notes, public blogs, or screenplays for my creative writing class. I write because I tend to find nothing else to do that is more satisfying with my time. Watch TV? Nope, my brain often feels like it’s rotting. Eating? Nope, I often feel overweight. Hanging out with friends? Nope, I often keep myself in isolation. Job hunt? Nope, that takes too much self-esteem. So… my fall back is always to write. Write about nonsense. Write about a make-believe world. Write my feelings and emotions. Whatever the case is, I always have this sense of fulfillment. Because for me, writing is the one thing I don’t judge myself on. 

This week has been H E L L. Absolute misery. Living in a fiery pit with screaming pains in my head. Work has been overwhelming. School has been utterly pointless. Real life has been a let down. I’m failing to see the point of my efforts. It’s hard to pick yourself back up after huge blows to your mind, body, spirit, ego, and emotions. It’s hard to tell yourself that you’re doing okay, that you’re on the right path, and that you’re meant for something great. How is that possible when life keeps dragging you through ashes and mud? I seem to be having trouble with finding an answer, but I do know it’s somewhere out there. And I’m honestly trying my best to find it. I just have horrible patience. 

Lately, I’ve been asking what I’ve gotten myself into. At this very point in time, I wonder if I’m a masochist because I take pleasure in putting myself through lots of stress and anxiety. I pound myself into the ground, thinking that if I’m hard enough on myself the world would seem less threatening, less mean, and all together “not so bad.” Wrong. Oops. False. I must have been out of my mind to think that putting myself through so much shit would make life easier to live. Where the fuck did I ever get that idea from? So I decided to put less pressure on myself, enjoy the beautiful life I have, and hold onto the idea that I will eventually get what I deserve. Problem is, how would I know when it’s finally here? 

Unrecognizable. It seems as though I’m lost without an internal compass once again. Anyone have a spare? Perhaps I could hop on the back of someone and just follow. Because all my life, I’ve always been a good follower. Old habits are the hardest to quit. 

I know we got caught up slipping through a crowd of people and losers
But you must not let them take you
They don’t know you like I do

katiebaby

2 years, 9 months, 11 days I knew I could

Life has been flashing by faster than I can process. One day it’s Monday, I blink, and the next is Friday. Is keeping track of the days supposed to be this exhausting? Is having all these emotions supposed to be this exhausting? Is life supposed to be this exhausting? I forget. I can barely remember what happened in these past four years. Then all of a sudden, I’m going full speed ahead. DId I choose the fast track unknowingly? When I look back I try my best to recall how I was feeling. Did I really ask myself if I was ready for all of this? Did I always have a plan that consisted of returning to the place I can’t quite call home anymore? Perhaps it was my way of telling me that the worst case scenario is not THAT bad, but then again, why should I ever have to settle? 

Worthiness. When you start getting pushed into the real world there are things you start to consider. What is your worthiness? How much is your time worth? Your skills? Your knowledge? Your personality? Your habits? Your advice? Everything that makes you, you. Because once you’re done with school, you have to realize that you are no longer obligated to do anything. Be a bum. Become unemployed. Sit on the couch and pursue nothing. Live off parents. Endless possibilities. But if you refuse to do any of that, and you strive to make something of yourself, here comes in the question - what is your worthiness? Are people willing to pay you for whatever skills you have? Are people willing to invest their time in being your friend for advice? Are you willing to sacrifice many things to pursue whatever you choose?

What is worthy? After you figure out how much you are worth, you have to think about what is worthy of your time. What is worthy of your sacrifices. What is your dream job? How much is it worth? Your family? Your lifestyle? Your friends? Leaving home? Uncertainty? So many questions to answer. And the worst thing of all is that there is no wrong answer. You can choose and never really know if the other choice was better or if what you chose was bad. Hence why my inner compass continues to spin, never landing on anything. 

Some may not understand me. Some may think I’m crazy. Some may think I had no choice. Some may even admire me. But in the end… what do I think? What do I think of me, myself and I? Cause honestly, I’m trying my best to come up with a fully formed answered to that question. Am I satisfied with who I am? What I’m doing? What I choose? What is this sudden need to have to explain to everyone why  I chose what I chose? Why is it so important to hear what others have to say about my life? It is human to care. It is human to be put down my others. It is human to have low self-esteem. It is human to have self-critiques of your flaws. It is human to always compare yourself with others. Why? … Why? I ask myself everyday why all of it matters. Why human emotions are made the way they are… I come up with one simple answer… There is no such thing as perfection. 

Game changer. Everything is happening to me all at once. All so exciting. All so nerve-wracking. All so fearful. All so lost. All so uncertain. All so… fulfilling. I don’t want to forget this feeling of being injected with multiple emotions as though I’m high on my humanity. My mind automatically fast forwards itself without my permission. I’m physically living here and now, but my mind is a few years ahead of me. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to control. I need to figure it out because I’m tired of letting it all pass me up. I don’t want to forget anymore. I want to look back and remember what it felt like to be lost and scared about my future career. I want to remember how excited I was to be graduating. I want to remember feeling of having my dream fulfilled. I want me to mentally and physically living in the here and now because if I don’t, I’m not going to feel everything I should be. 

Whatever happens this upcoming week… I just have to take it and spin it the best way possible. Doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, I just want to keep my sanity. I have to remain who I am. Nothing should change me. And most important, I have to hold on to my faith for dear life.

Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go.

katiebaby